Get Busy Living

            Are you happy? Do you feel alive? Are you fulfilled? Do you wake up in the morning looking forward to another day, or do you wish you could just close your eyes and go back to sleep? Is your life filled with hope and wonder or regret and disappointment? If you are not taking responsibility for your own happiness and well being who is? The answer is no one, it’s your responsibility.  

In the movie, Shawshank Redemption, one of the main characters is released from prison after spending 40 years of his life behind bars. Upon his release he realizes that through his life in prison he has become conditioned to have all of his decisions made for him. He’s forgotten how to live. His ability to make decisions for himself were taken away.  

After being paroled, he falls into the dreary routine of going to his job every day as a grocery bagger and then wondering home to sit alone in his little apartment. His life has become his personal prison without walls. Life for him has little meaning or purpose, he’s simply going through the motions. He realizes that he must make a decision, if he chooses to stay everything will remain exactly the same and he will continue to simply exist. If he chooses to leave his future is uncertain. He will have to take responsibility for his life and the unknown that awaits him. However, he also recognizes the potential that awaits him if he so chooses to pursue it. Either way the choice is his and only his to make. He decides the risk is worth the reward; he takes responsibility for his future happiness and makes the bold proclamation “either get busy living or get busy dying.”

Life is like that. I have certainly found myself facing that same predicament as I am sure most of you have. Whatever condition our lives are currently in, whether it’s the life we want or the life we don’t want, it is the life that we have created for ourselves. Yes, there are outside circumstances and conditions that affect everyone one of us, but how we deal with those circumstances and conditions is our sole responsibility. That is the ultimate power, to control one’s self. It is a power that very few people master, but those that do master it live lives of complete abundance. Their happiness is not predicated by what they have or don’t have, how they are treated or not treated, or by the current circumstances or challenges they may be facing. Their happiness is based on their state of mind and their willingness to take full responsibility for their lives and the declaration, through their choices, that they will take positive steps to move forward and face the uncertainty that we all must inevitably face. That is the price of happiness, personal accountability.

It is my unwavering belief that we are so that we might have joy. It is not a guarantee; it is a gift that must be earned. We earn it through the lives that we choose to live each day, the impact we have on the people around us, the love we show our families and the commitment and dedication we attempt to live our lives by in making today better than yesterday.

I believe in the power of the human spirit. It transcends our physical limitations. It is what elevates us to see beyond ourselves and recognize the inalienable power that they have to be the source for goodness and light and intelligence. Choose to be, it’s up to you.  

Reason for Hope

Reason for Hope

            I had a friend ask me yesterday why I have decided to share the challenges my family and I have faced over the last couple of years through creating this blog.

           

Without any condemnation or judgment he simply told me that he would be too embarrassed to share his personal failings and struggles with people that may turn around and criticize him for his public admissions. After our conversation, I asked him if it would be okay to use our discussion in the introduction to this post. He kindly obliged and here you go.

           

I used to be extremely embarrassed about going through bankruptcy and the many hardships we have faced along the way. I have always been self-reliant and proudly self-employed. I considered myself to be someone that people could go to for help rather than someone that needed to be helped, and then everything changed.

           

Like many of the struggles we face in life, mine has been an eye opening, pride swallowing experience. I can’t necessarily compare my challenges to those that other people face, my only contextualization has come from my own state of mind; where I was compared to where I am now. It’s through that emotional context that I have been able to relate to other people and their challenges.

           

The reason that I have decided to blog about my experiences is twofold, one it is cathartic for me to do so. There is truly an emotional release that occurs after I write down my experiences. It’s like slowly releasing air out of a tire. The second is by sharing my experiences I have discovered that all people are dealing with some kind of a challenge. I remember driving down the road one day and I saw this family at a stop light, as I watched them I thought, “They really have their act together. They’re not a complete failure like me.” Upon reflection however, I realized that I had become extremely good at hiding my problems. I had put on a happy face and hid behind this mask so that people wouldn’t really know what was going on with me. Maybe this family was good at doing the same. The true problem is that we have been conditioned to hide. We not only hide our challenges, we hide the life lessons we’ve learned through enduring those challenges that we all face in life. I decided I was going to throw it out there; I’m tired of wearing the mask. If describing my challenges and the lessons I’ve learned helps someone else then it’s worth it. If it doesn’t resonate with them in some way they’ll quickly become bored and move onto something else.

It’s my contention, that especially in the challenging times we live today, people need hope. That hope is not going to come through some loud mouthed politician telling us that some proposed new bill is going to make a difference, or watching countless hours of television in a mind numbing attempt to simply be entertained out of our challenges.

The solution although difficult is very simple; take responsibility for own lives and realize that our lives, our very futures, are what we choose to make them. Secondly, serve one another. Hope is fostered when people know that they are cared about by other people.

The world is an incredibly challenging place. The moorings of safety that we all long for have been washed away. That does not mean that hope is lost, it means that we must choose to be hopeful! Tomorrow is new day, no blemishes, no scares; it is what we choose to make of it. We must choose to seize the day; we must choose to seize the moment.

The Gloves

The Gloves

            The first time I saw Billy was on a warm spring afternoon in 1980. His grandma pulled up to the baseball field and Billy nervously climbed out of her car and started walking towards the dugout.

His grandma called through the open passenger door window, “I love you and I’ll pick you up in a couple of hours after my hair appointment.”

I was the little league baseball coach and Billy was a last minute add-on. I didn’t know anything about him, but I admit I was agitated that I would have to make some last minute adjustments to accommodate this little boy.

            His hair was a Sunkist blonde and he had a bowl cut that shaped his head like a little helmet. Underneath that helmet of hair, starring out at me were two of the saddest blue eyes I had ever seen. He wore a pair of Tough Skin jeans and an old pair of tennis shoes. All of the other parents had bought their kids practice uniforms and cleats. Little league was serious business. We meant to win.

Over his shoulder he had an old bat. The handle of the bat had been run-through the webbing of two baseball gloves. One was smaller than the other, the size for a small boy, while the other was a little older and more worn, definitely the size for an adult.

            “Get out on the field and warm up.” I said a little too gruffly. I had to force one of the other boys from the team to play catch with Billy and from that moment on I knew he was going to be an outsider.

            He was awkward and slow, I was impatient. If he weren’t sitting on the bench, I would put him out in right field to keep him out of the way. That became our routine for the next three weeks.

            One day he showed up a little late at practice, all of the other kids were already paired up to play catch and warm up. Frankly, I’d been hoping that he wouldn’t come.

            “Alright,” I said, “I’ll play catch with you, but take it easy, I don’t have a glove.”

            He removed the two gloves from his bat and handed me the bigger one. I could smell the saddle soap that had been applied to it and see all of the creases in the leather.

            “It was my dad’s.” He said quietly. “He used to play catch with me everyday after he got home from work before he died.”

            I looked at his little face outlined by his Sunkist colored hair and his piercing blue eyes. I knew that I had failed him. He needed a father figure, instead he got me.

            I slowly took the glove, “I would love to use your dad’s glove if it’s alright with you.” I said.

            He nodded his approval and, for the first time since he started coming to practice, he smiled.

            I held the glove up to my nose and could smell the sweat of warm past summer days mixed with leather. I looked at Billy and understood that this was one of the ways he felt his dad’s presence. I gently put the glove on my hand understanding that Billy was trying to hold onto his dad, he was trying to connect.

We played catch not only that day but everyday after that.

            Today, twenty years later, I went over to Billy’s house just to see how he’s doing. As I pulled into the driveway, Billy’s out on the front lawn playing catch with his son and I immediately smelled the sweat aroma of sweat mixed with warm past summer days and leather.

              

A Season of Change

A Season of Change

It was Christmas of last year. The snow was lightly falling outside. Large flakes were slowly floating down to cover the ground in pure white. We were comfortably sitting inside watching the beauty of this amazing season unfold in front of us.

We certainly didn’t have much. We had just gone through losing our home and we were preparing to file for bankruptcy. The realization that we had to start over was slowly sinking in. But somehow, on that day, things seemed right. Our girls were happy, we were together and as a family unit I felt that we would be able to face our pending challenges and overcome them.

Watching our three daughters adjust to our new reality made me proud. They asked for little and they seemed happier with less.

After they were asleep Michelle and I would talk about how we thought the girls deserved more. How we felt we had failed them. Then the question arose, “Deserve more of what?” The girls certainly hadn’t asked for more. We had imposed a sense of guilt on ourselves for not being able to give them the kind of Christmas we felt we were supposed to provide. As I reflected on that, I understood that I was dealing with a sense of guilt and failure for where my life was currently. I believed that I deserved to be unhappy. I believed I deserved to feel like a failure. Self pity is a harbinger of untold misery.

I also knew that if I didn’t change my thinking, if I didn’t change my perspective, that my emotions would continue to cripple me. I was exactly in the place I had chosen to put myself, and I would continue to be there until I chose differently.

I had to take a step back. I had a choice to look at things differently. I needed perspective. Like all of us in life I had come to a crossroads. My life’s choice was I could either focus on the set-back and the disappointment or look at the gift I was given, the opportunity to change. I had the opportunity to learn and grow and create something new in my life. Circumstance had forced that on me. Was I up to the task? Was I willing to learn from past regrets? Was I willing to forgive myself and move on?

Ralph Waldo Emerson stated, “Men live lives of quiet desperation.” How true that is. I know countless people who live by the belief of, “if only.” “If only I had this I would be happy.” Or, “if only this happened I would be happy.” It’s cultural; it’s what we are spooned fed everyday by the entertainment we consume and the moronic celebrity culture we live in.

One absolute in life is we will go through many trials and many disappointments. But ultimately our happiness is our own responsibility.

However, that doesn’t change the fundamental question. Why do we live lives of quiet desperation? I think it’s because we live life in a state of regret or fear. Regret for what could have been, fear of failure. That regret or fear quickly metastasizes into guilt and ultimately a life of frustration and quiet desperation.

This is not to say that there won’t be circumstances forced on some of us that are completely out of our control. It does not minimize the pain or the challenges that will be presented. It also doesn’t change the fact that we are meant to be happy. We are meant to “find joy.” That is a God given blessing........ a God given personal responsibility. No one else can be in charge of your happiness. It is meant to be that way so that we learn to value our personal initiative, our free will.

This Christmas lets look beyond the mark and celebrate it for what it is, a time to be thankful for our God given blessings, not only for what we have but also for what we can become. It’s a time to prioritize and commit to a life that is greater than ourselves. A time to dream of what we can become, what we can accomplish and the differences we can make; the lives we can live. This can truly be a Season of Change.  

As always thanks for reading my blog and please share it with anyone you think it might help.

Merry Christmas and God Bless

Scot Boley

scot.boley@gmail.com

October 2, 2012

The Fog of Life

           

            There is a story I recently read of an old man who saved for many years to go on a once in a lifetime cruise. His family was from the old country of Greece and he wanted to experience his homeland. He came from meager beginnings and had been conditioned his whole life to accept the fact that there should always be limitations on his dreams.

While on the cruise he spent all of his time in his small cabin. He read books and ate the food he had brought with him. He had filled up his suitcase with tins of sausage and cheese and he was carefully rationing it to make sure that he had enough. He determined before he left that he was going to bring his own food to save money.

At night he would venture out into the hall and watch people as they walked by in their best clothes, on their way to a show or party that was being held somewhere on the enormous boat. All the while he would be thinking to himself how ridiculous those people were for spending their money so recklessly.     

When the boat would pull into port cities he would periodically go up on deck to take a look but never venture off of the boat. He was determined to use his money wisely and not spend it on frivolous things.

On the final night of the cruise there was one last party the cruise line was hosting to celebrate their safe voyage. A young steward knocked on the old mans door and kindly inquired, “Are you going to be attending the party tonight?”

            The old man quickly retorted, “Oh no, I could never afford to do that!”

            “But sir, you already paid for it as part of your ticket price,” Responded the steward.

            “You mean to tell me that I paid for that when I paid to take this voyage?” The old man responded incredulously.

            “Yes Sir. You paid for this party, all of the meals on the cruise, all of the fabulous shows and activities the cruise line offers, and safe transport into each city we have visited.” The steward said empathetically knowing that the old man had not enjoyed any of those experiences that he had paid for.

            “Why didn’t anyone tell me?!” The old man asked angrily.

            “Sir, you earned the money to take this trip. You paid for the ticket. We assumed that you would take the time to read the information that we gave you describing what this trip offers.” The steward said gingerly.

The old man stepped back into his room and slowly closed the door knowing that he had squandered his once in a lifetime trip.

            How many of us look at life through the same prism, telling ourselves that as soon as we accomplish that one last task we will enjoy the fruits of our labor? How many of us tell ourselves that tomorrow is going to be different? How many of us reject the happiness that we have already earned because we are already trapped by the next challenge we are facing?

            Life is full of daily challenges for all of us. It always has been and it always will be. That’s just life. People who do not let life’s challenges define them find true happiness in the moment. We earn the right to be happy by doing the best we can do. We earn the right to be happy by not taking ourselves to seriously. We earn the right to be happy by being content with what we have today and not comparing ourselves to anyone else.

            Take a moment and enjoy the sunset, snuggle up with your kids and watch a movie or spend time with the one you love. Those are all small gifts that are much more important then worrying about things we can’t control. Start fresh, free from the fog of life.    

It's Your Life, Take Control of It.

Everyone of us faces adversity. The purpose behind this blog is to chronicle my own challenges, and at the sametime share the insights that I've gained through this process.

I believe that it's through our most difficult challenges that our character is is honed. (The hottest fires make the strongest steel.) Whatever the challenge is, it is unquestionably going to have an impact on us. It's up to us to determine whether that challenge becomes a stepping stone to greater things, or a step back to further despair. Its entirely in our control.

I certainly don't have all of the answers, but I know that there are certain truths that apply to us all. These truths can help us not only overcome adversity, but create the lives that we want for ourselves and our families.

A few weeks ago I read an article about how frequently our brain transmits new thoughts. The human brain transmits approximately 6,500 new thoughts a day. That is a new thought almost every 4.5 seconds. I started to wonder, how many negative thoughts do I have on a given day. I decided to be my own guinea pig and do a little experiment. I went and bought a clicker. For those of you who don't know what a clicker is, its the little thing the counters hold as you walk into a Costco. Their job is to physically count how many people come into a store. My objective was to count how many negative thoughts I have on a given day. I stopped counting at 500 and I hit that number before noon. I realized I was consumed by negative thoughts. Those negative thoughts were a manifestion of how I felt about myself and were reflected in how I carried myself.Needless to say, I realized that if I didn't change my thought patterns I was going to continue struggle with my circumstances. I may not have control of my circumstances, but I do have control of my thoughts and how I deal with my circumstances.

The next day I decided to flip it around. How many positive thoughts do I have in a given day? Maybe they balance each other out.

That first day I counted only 42 positive thoughts. Take into consideration that I had to consciously be aware of my thoughts, so I'm sure that I had more positive thoughts then that throughout the day. None the less, it's easy to see that my dominate thoughts patterns were negative. How could I possibly began to rebuild my life when all I could see was the negative.What the mind focuses on is exemplified in how we live.

Do you know someone that is so insufferable that everytime you're around them you are emotionally drained? Their demeanor exudes a sense of dread and unhappiness. The sky is always falling. It's my contention that they act that way by choice. Subconsciously they have decided that it's easier to be miserble than to be happy. Let's be honest, human nature is to focus on the negative and not the positive. It's easier to ridicule and criticise than to help and build up. It's easier to focus on all that is bad rather than everything that is good. It truly takes effort to be happy and positive.

Life is filled with challenges for us all. Success and happiness depends on the person that is willing to accept the bitter with the sweet. How can one possibly recognize the light if they haven't experienced the dark? All  things, good and bad, begin with a thought. The thought precedes the action. The action precedes the outcome. The outcome in all of our lives will be determined first by our thoughts.

My assignment for you this week, go and buy a clicker. It may be the best investment you ever make. As I said in an earlier blog post. It is our individual responsibility to "know thyself." At the end of the day, we have true control over only one thing, that is ourselves and how we respond to any given situation. That response begins with a thought.

As always please feel free to share this with anyone you may think this might help. Also please contact me with your own thoughts and feelings.

Warmest Regards,
Scot Boley   

Utilities or Groceries

“If you can’t see the bright side to life, polish the dull side.”

One thing that I’ve learned about dealing with adversity is when you’re right in the middle of it, it’s hard to see the proverbial forest because of the trees. Some days are better than others, but when things aren’t going as planned, it’s much easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive. I think that’s probably a truth that applies to life regardless of the circumstances we find ourselves in. Sometimes being happy is a lot of work; It takes effort.

A few months ago I had been working on a project that had all but been funded. I was told that the project was a go, documents were signed and I was waiting to be paid for my services. I needed this project to close just to provide for my family. A lot was riding on it.

I sent my client an invoice and felt like things were starting to look-up. A few days later I got a call from my client. He told me he needed a little time to pay me he didn’t have the money and he needed some time to pay me. He needed 30 days. My back was up against the wall and I didn’t know what to do.

Two days later I’m going through our family finances picking which bills to pay and which ones I can postpone. I realize I only have enough to buy groceries or to pay for the utilities. I don’t have enough for both. At that moment, it was easy to feel sorry for myself and I did. But that didn’t solve my problem. I still had a choice to make. Depending on how I dealt with it, I was either going to make it a really big issue for the kids, or I could make it a small issue. It all depended on how I presented it.

The next night when I got home from work, our water had been turned off. I went out and went grocery shopping. I told the kids that I’d forgotten to pay the bill and that it would be back on in a couple of days. I’m sure the older girls knew I was hiding something but they didn’t let on. We made do with what we had.

In the scope of challenges other people are facing, I know that this is relatively inconsequential. However, all of our struggles are relative to where we are emotionally at that time. What may be a struggle for one person may not be that big of struggle for another. My struggle was the realization that I couldn’t provide the necessities for my family; even if it was only temporary. The blow was to my pride.

In the end what made the difference was we made the choice to get through it.

A few days later I was sitting by myself thinking about that experience. This feeling of relief overcame me. It was as though this enormous weight had been lifted off of my chest, and the thought came to me to “just let it go.” It was a voice that spoke to me. As I thought about it more, the relief I felt became more tangible. It was a real thing, an actual object and not just an emotion.  I wrote that saying, “just let it go” on a little piece of paper that I carry with me everyday so that I don’t forget.

I also realized that the pressure that I was feeling was just as tangible and just as real as the relief. It was a real thing, not just an emotion that I had imagined. I could feel it crushing my chest.

I’m facing one situation, and depending on how I deal with it, it affects me in two very different ways. The situation is difficult, but the outcome is entirely up to me. Ultimately what I have, what we all have is the ability to choose. That is the one constant. Our choices whether they be good or bad are ours. We can choose how we deal with life’s challenges. That is the ultimate freedom. It’s also the ultimate responsibility. My belief is once we accept that responsibility, we become truly free.

As always thanks for reading this blog. Please share this with anyone you think it may help.

Warmest Regards,

Scot Boley

Scot.boley@gmail.com